The inevitable 14th of May

Ang bilis ng panahon. July na pala. Parang kelan lang nung pumasok ang taon na ito tapos eto nangangalahati na pala tayo. Parang kelan lang din nung binalot ang pamilya namin ng sobrang lungkot. After almost 5 years of battling a Primitive Neuroectodermal tumor that metastasized to the bone, Mama already returned to where she really belongs. This is actually the first time that am writing about her death, kasi parang hanggang ngayon I dont want to think that she is really gone. I'd like to make believe that she just went on vacation sa Japan sa kapatid ko na nandon. It had been almost 2 months now, but you see, the pain is still there. I could still feel the pain of having to deal with everything that day. I am the eldest among three sibling and the only daughter. I have always been the one to decide on her medications and everything that concerns her health. She have always given me that task since the time I transferred her from the care of one hospital to another. She never hesitated that I will make a right decision. Pero, napakahirap pala na mag decide pag naiipit ka sa gitna ng dalawang choices na parehong mahirap piliin. I ended up asking help from my younger brothers, sabi ko kaming tatlo ang mag decide kung ipapadala namin sya sa ICU that day. Kahit na nasa Japan ang isang kapatid ko, we decided as one. Mahirap pumili, it's like choosing the less evil from two evils. But is has to be done. At exactly, 2pm of May 14, we decided to bring her sa ICU and wait from there. That decision meant that we are waiving our right to stay by her side, which we know na ayaw nya. She does not want to be alone and we know that. But we cant just stare at her and see her die in pain. Kelangan naming ibaba sya sa ICU. When I entered the ICU room to be with her and see her condition, I talked to her and tell her how sorry I am to let her be in that room but this is how things should go. I informed her that the equipments in that room cannot be transferred to her private room kaya kelangan talaga sya ang ibaba. Well, she can no longer talk dahil sa respirator na nakakabit sa kanya. I felt really sad seeing her so helpless. Sanay pa naman kami na sya ang kinukunan ng lakas ng loob. I felt so sad because she keeps on pressing my hand as if telling me that she is gonna be okay. Pinisil nya ang kamay ko at ewan ko ba kung imagination ko lang na parang hinihila nya ko nung magpaalam ako sa kanya na kalangan ko nang lumabas sa kwarto nya kasi may iba pa syang bisita na gusto syang makita. I kept on her telling her to fight and to stay longer for each of us, for all of the dreams we haven't fulfilled yet. Pero, God has His way. He decided to end her life that day, the inevitable 14th of May 2008 at exactly 10:35pm. Well, almost two months have passed but then di ko pa rin maiwasan na maiyak as I write this down, ni hindi ko nga maisulat ng buo ang details ng araw na yun. Mahirap. Napakahirap mawalan ng isang Ina. The good thing is pinatapos nya muna ang mother's day bago sya umalis kasi alam nya siguro na mas masakit sa aming lahat kung wala na sya nung mother's day. She went home to her Creator exactly 3 days after we have celebrated what we will always remember to be her last mother's day.

You will always be remembered, Mama. Your memories will stay long after you have gone.